Nothing but everything will ever be enough

As I consider the events that I have been witness to during the last few years, it dawns on me that I suffer from a stubborn determinism of sorts. Though I have all kinds of evidence before my eyes that my life has been a constant moving toward someone, I find myself working very hard at trying to avoid the very someone whom I most need in order to be able to live.

As I type on my laptop, I sit at my work table in my home “office.”  My law degree came via messenger a couple of weeks ago and has been sitting there, inanimate, since its arrival.  I looked at it and felt a sense of accomplishment for about 27 seconds the day that it arrived.  And now the most I can muster when I look at it, is a mild (if not, sardonic) shrug.  Of course, waiting to find out if I passed the Bar exam is not helping matters.  Why is this the case?  Why so much emphasis on what I have done or accomplished?  The truth is that nothing that I do or accomplish will ever satisfy my deepest needs nor make me fully human (not to mention, happy).

I have spent the last decade or so of my life travelling to (and living in) many so-called “exotic” parts of the world.  I recall thinking one evening several years ago, as I was walking around the Old City in Jerusalem (one of the many places that I have “escaped to” so that I could busy myself and avoid these questions): I am just as dissatisfied here as I am anywhere in the world.  What will fill this need? And then I remembered that Christianity asks that question using “who” and not “what.” I certainly don’t think this a minor point—in fact, I’d say it is “the” point. At least this has been my experience over the years and even right now.  So thank goodness for this want.

I sit at my work table, pausing between words and phrases and look up at my window, where my blinds are presently closed.  It occurs to me that I should get up and open them so that I can look outside.  But I prefer to sit here and type and stare at my words hoping that somehow meaning will miraculously emerge from these, my words, and I will arrive at some “eureka” moment that will change everything.  And yet, the moment never does arrive…why is that? Nothing changes because, like my window blinds, I am not open.

For some, this existential angst is tiresome (not to mention just plain boring).  But I would be less than honest if I did not admit that for me everything (and I do mean everything) rides on not letting go of this desire for more.  But I must learn to distinguish the content and substance of this more from the mere thoughts in my head uselessly striving for that self-serving nirvana that will never arrive (and thank goodness for that) if left to my own devices.

Who I am looking for is outside myself and longs to be embraced. But recognizing this fact is not enough. And that’s when all I have left to say is “have mercy” on me and begin (again).


The opera isn’t over ’til the fat lady sings…

Where do I begin? The summer is not quite over but here I am, out of breath, and relieved that the Florida Bar exam is now a thing of my past (and let’s hope it remains there). The wait is in full swing. The Florida Supreme Court will release the results of the July 2015 General Bar examination on September 21, 2015. What do I do now? How about try finding a job? Oh, but wait, I can’t practice law until I am admitted to the Bar, so what to do? Good question.

The last few months have not been easy; hell, the last few years have not been easy. Law school was no picnic but preparing for the Bar exam was a nightmare. And now, it’s over. When I walked out of the Tampa Convention Center up “Tampa Street” (so I had no doubts about where I was) back to my hotel I felt relieved (like the other 3300+ people taking the exam with me).

But something else happened…I realized that I had been building to this moment for quite a number of years (most intensely during the last few months) and now, it was over. That’s it. She’s done. Each moment arrives after the one before it. Sounds obvious, doesn’t it? But as I walked toward my hotel I felt a sense of not only relief, but of absolute certainty. The certainty that some day the moment of my death will surely arrive. Years are quickly passing. My next birthday I will have to change the blog subtitle to a “fifty something lover of all good things.”

No one knows how or when her life will end. But I have the certainty that it is being moved forward by someone good. Someone who wants me now. Until that day, I keep moving forward, hopeful and curious. Or not. The choice is always mine.

May I be forever curious and forever hopeful. I have many reasons to be.